Friday, April 14, 2006

have you read this?

Warning:
If you love Starbucks, (which I do)
or if you are seriously offended by 4 letter words...
don't read this

otherwise. I think it's funny

and I spend nearly $4 per day at starbucks. on coffee.

April 12, 2006
The Five Stages of Grief as the Pertain to an Unfortunate Choice of Beverages at Starbucks
This morning I decided to forgo my usual boring latte in favor of Starbucks' new green tea latte. What transpired might require extensive psychological treatment. All that treatment I endured for post-traumatic stress disorder last year has been completely undone by one little hot beverage. To whit:
Stage One: Denial"No! Surely it's not as bad as it seems. I'll just take another sip. It probably something with that hippy-dippy toothpaste I insist on using. That's got to be what's making this beverage taste like someone left a dead carp in the milk steamer."
Stage Two: Anger"Motherfuckers! Who the fuck is stupid enough to think green tea and hot milk would be a good idea? It has a hint of melon ... hint of melon??? I WANT THE HEAD OF THE FUCKING BEE-EATING DIMWIT WHO CONNED ME INTO SPENDING FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS ON A DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE HOT CARP-STUFFED HONEYDEW, GODDAMMIT!"
Stage Three: Bargaining"Okay, God. Here's the deal. If you make this big Venti paper cup of hot frothy koi pond water palatable, I'll never use the phrase "fucking bee-eating dimwit" ever again, no matter how badly someone deserves it."
Stage Four: Depression"It's no use. The taste of seaweed is going to be forever imprinted on my tongue, marring everything I try to ingest for the rest of my life. I'm screwed. Starbucks is no longer a happy place for me. And what am I without my happy place? I'm just a poor slob, drinking hot milked-up algea-water and paying out the nose through it. I suck. I deserve to empty my wallet in the name of really crappy beverages. It's my punishment for being too stupid to see the obvious: this drink is a giant April fool's joke, and I fell for it. Drink up, Moron!"
Stage Five: Acceptance"Hey, I'm getting used to the fish taste, and I can really feel the antioxidents working!"

8 comments:

Donni said...

I think it's funny too - :)

Julsey said...

I heard that a realtor in NJ is trying to get people to buy more expensive houses by saying if they cut out their Starbucks habit, they can afford another $50k on their mortgage...

Believe that one and I've got a bridge to sell ya!

Jae said...

hee hee! I like starbucks but that was funny.

Anne said...

I love it - but not as much as I love the package that arrived from you in the mail today - thank you so much. (I sent one back to you today - used the same envelope and everything ;-) )

Cheryl said...

Too cute.

Thanks again for the pincushion!

Mary, Mary... said...

Thanks for road-testing the green tea latte. You just saved me a lot of grief!

cpurl17 said...

I know what this person went through...The other day I went into a (non starbucks) shop and ordered what I thought was going to be traditional hot green tea but, instead, got some frothy green, thick...stuff.

Kathy said...

I wish I had read this before I purchased one last week. I feel your pain!!!